Monday, November 15, 2010

The Numbers of Miscarriage

Studies say that 1 in 4 women will bleed in early pregnancy. But 85% of them will go on to have a healthy baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to be the minority.

5 1/2 The number of years we've tried for baby #2.
6 The day of October our dreams looked like they were finally coming true again.
2 The number of tests I took. Just to be sure.
6.11 The day I should have been due.
7 The week the bleeding started.
5 The number of blood tests I've had to take.
5 Also the number of times someone's called with results that broke my heart.
314 The number of times I've questioned what I did wrong, what I could have done differently.
6432 A rough estimate of the number of tears I've cried.
16 The number of blow ups I've had at my husband in the last few weeks.
25 The number of pregnant women I've caught glimpse of in the last few days.
3 The number of times seeing said pregnant women have made me bawl. In public.
4 The number of my last hcg quant.
0-5 The hcg level that means I'm absolutely no longer pregnant.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.

58 comments:

Mommy Cracked said...

Staci, I am so sorry. Your feelings are perfectly normal. I can remember being there also several years ago (when we were trying for our only son) and being absolutely devestated when our dreams were yanked away from us. We had been trying for 4 years and to come so close, only to have it taken right back was almost more than I could bear. One book that gave me so much comfort at that time was Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. I would be more than glad to send you a copy of it if you would like to read it (just email me with your shipping address). It breaks my heart when good people who want to be parents have to go through this. I think the worst part was people close to me not understanding why I was so upset, because they reasoned that it was such an early loss so I shouldn't be upset. Nothing was further from the truth. My husband and I truly grieved for that baby. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder. Don't hesitate to contact me...I mean that! Take care and be gentle to yourself. ((hugs))

Haasiegirl said...

im really sorry staci. No one deserves a big family more than you and i have faith, the utmost faith, that it will happen for you in the future and the baby that you have will be the one you were always meant to have.

trisha

Mama Cupcake said...

im so so so sorry. i wish i could take your pain away...

Katie said...

I'm so very sorry, Staci. I wish there was something more I could say that could make things better. Huge ((hugs))

Kas said...

Staci I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. (((HUGS))) sweetie.
Kas

Sheri said...

Staci - My heart is breaking to read your sad news. I've been through one miscarriage and I can only say I am so sorry.

Simply Being Mommy said...

Oh my gosh Staci. I am so so sorry. I've struggled with infertility but all I can say is take care of yourself. If you need to talk, you can email me at anytime.

Melinda said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Miscarriage is so heartbreaking and no one should have to go through it.

Rhea said...

I'm so sorry, Staci. ((HUGS))

Brandy said...

((Hugs)) Staci I'm so sorry for your loss :( I know your feelings are perfectly normal and it's such a horrible thing that no one can understand what or why it happens.

Sarah said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way Staci, I am so so sorry. Having been through a miscarriage myself, I know there isn't much anyone can say right now that will make you feel better, but I do hope that you will find peace in time.

Rachel said...

{{hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs}}

I struggled with infertility for 6 years -- experienced the gut-wrenching loss of a pregnancy, the anger from seeing pregnant women, the tears from people who meant well but couldn't help but say the wrong thing.

I am so incredibly sorry and my heart is breaking for you.

I don't know why infertility/miscarriage happen -- why it seem to hit people who SHOULD be parents. . . the people who SHOULD be getting pregnant. . . the people who WILL take care of their children and who WILL love them.

It's a level of unfairness that I just can't understand.

Firefly@fireflyblog.org said...

((hugs)) I am really sorry you have to go trough this. Thinking and praying for you! You will have a beautiful baby that you want so much and deserve to have.

I know how it is I've been trough it. I was suppose to have baby #2 in my arms on August 4th not feel like the worst person ever because of my miscarriage last December. Now am scared to even try, because I don't think I can go trough another loss, another hope...

((hugs)) we are here for you, if you need to talk you can always contact me!

Jenna said...

Staci, I know that no words make any of it feel right and it kills. This is not your fault and nothing you have done is to blame. You are an amazing woman and I wish there was a way to make things feel better. (((HUGS)))

Shasta said...

I'm here for you if you need to talk or cry :(

Love you :)

~Shasta

Karen of 3G2S said...

Staci I want to just cry reading this because it brings back sad memories for myself. We also had fertility problems and suffered a loss. If you need to talk, you can PM me on the forums, email me, or find me on Gmail.

(((BIG HUGS)))

Sky said...

Staci, I'm so sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself. My husband and I suffered from Secondary Infertility...been there...done that.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me.

I wish you peace....(hugs)

Heather said...

there's nothing I can say that will tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. ((HUGS))

Frosted Fingers said...

Staci I'm so sorry for your loss. There's not much anyone can say to make you feel better. I still count the birthdays of my first.

Shannon said...

Staci, I know that must've been the hardest thing to write. I too had a miscarriage. We conceived on our honeymoon. It was so heartbreaking. I also have a close family member that struggles with infertility. I am praying for you and sending you huge hugs.

Candy said...

I am so sorry, I had 2 early losses and secondary infertility and its such a painful thing that nobody can ever understand until they go through it too :( Many prayers for healing!

Cheryl said...

I am so so so sorry, Staci. I wish I could say something to help ease your pain. Lots of love.

Nichol said...

I am so sorry Staci. There isn't anything I can say to make the pain go away. My thoughts are with you and your family...hugs.

Yellow Tennessee said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. And while I know that does not help you or your pain, you are not alone.

So many of us have been through this. Try and get some rest. Take care of yourself, and allow yourself to cry as much as you want.

Kathleen said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Even though you never gave birth, I know for a fact that you loved that baby so very much. Having lost a baby to miscarriage at 4 months, it is a heartbreaking experience. I hope you are somehow able to find peace and just know that all of us at MomDot are there for you whenever you need us!{Big Hugs}

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

Staci,

I'm so sorry.

I know firsthand this is not easy. I was at work a few weeks after we lost our first baby when a co-worker announced the birth of his 6th.

It killed me but no one understood there.

My neighbor is pregnant with her 4th baby, a girl after having 3 boys. She has endured at least 4 miscarriages in between her kids.

I watched her experience loss after loss, yet she persevered, I'm not sure I could have.

We have an angel bear that sits in the corner of our family room watching over us representing the child we lost.

I'm praying for you.

nicóle said...

Staci,

I'm so sorry for you loss. My heart aches for you. It's not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. You and your family are in my prayers and I sincerely hope that you will be blessed with a baby soon.

Night Owl Mama said...

Not that it offers you a peace but your not a minority. I suffered 7 miscarriages over 10 yrs before we got it right with help from an RE.

3-4 is the # of miscarriages you'll have to suffer before anyone will listen

1,000,000 is the amount of prayers that I send your way in hopes that your next pregnancy will be your forever baby.

If you want to talk please email me. Maybe something I know could help you. I've been where your at and I know right now your feeling alone but let me tell you I'm there giving you a hug.

reading your posts brings back those aww so awful feelings
Thinking of you.

Tricia

Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom said...

I am so sorry and can only imagine how devastating this must be. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...

Tammy said...

This brings tears to my eyes to read this. I am sending you lots of love and hugs. You deserve them! Lots of love!

Greg - Telling Dad said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope you know that there is a huge support network here for you if you need it.

((HUGE hugs))

sweetpea08 said...

I feel your pain. I am right there with you...minus the amount of years it's taken to have baby #2...so far it's only be over a year for us. I also had a miscarriage and my baby would have been due on 3/22. Now every month is torture because I swear I'm pregnant and then turns out I'm not. I'm so sorry for your loss...know that you are not alone! Don't know why having a baby has to be so hard, but it sure is worth it once we finally get that precious baby in our arms.

Lady V dZine said...

Oh, hon! I am so sorry for your loss. Having suffered two pregnancy losses, I know that it is just absolutely devastating. Please know if you need to talk, I would more than gladly lend my ear.

Shop with Me Mama said...

Crying as I read this. It is all too familiar to me, to my family. I have had two heartbreaking miscarriages, and my heart is breaking for you!!! I pray you will be okay and take one day at a time. My friends and family are what got me through my darkest hours.

Andrea Hatfield said...

I am so sorry Staci. ((huge hugs))

andrea said...

**huge hugs**

Katie said...

Big hugs...I am very, very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry.

Kasey@ All Things Mamma said...

I'm so sorry! My prayers are with you!

marybeth @ www.babygoodbuys.com said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Misadventurous Mommy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss!

candace said...

lots of love coming your way Staci. I'm so sorry for your loss and we are all here if you need us.

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

Staci I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what your going through. My sister in law has dealt with infertility problems for the last couple of years and I have heard from her how overwhelming and heartbreaking it can be. I will be sending my thoughts, prayers and hugs your way! (((BIG HUGS)))

Christy @ Shake The Salt said...

Oh, Staci. I am so very sorry that you are hurting. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of {{{hugs}}}.

Amanda said...

Staci, I know there really aren't any right words right now. Add me to the list that's suffered a loss as well. We always remember those babies. If you need anything, anything at all, please let me know. I'll be thinking about you.

erintales@themombuzz.com said...

:hugs: I am so sorry and you ARE normal, not in the minority. You did nothing wrong and your family will grow.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry sweetie! (massive hugs and love sent your way)

Leah said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. i wish there was something I could do.

huge huge hugs.

:(

Kristen said...

{Hugs}

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. If you need anything please don't hesitate to e-mail me.

Sam said...

I'm so sorry. I've been through three miscarriages and I know how devastating it is, and how little people understand about it. I found comfort in an online forum, that I'm sharing here in case you want to look at it http://pregnancyloss.info/
(((Hugs)))

JulieD said...

I know there are no words. I'm so sorry. :(

Laurie said...

Staci, I am so sorry to hear and I know there aren't any words I can say to take this pain away. Just know that I am thinking about you *big hugs*

Beeb said...

Oh sweetie, I just saw this and I'm so sorry. Nothing I can say can help you with your grief, but I just want to send you my ((HUGS)) and let you know that you are in my thoughts.

Angie Marion said...

Hi Staci,

I'm so sorry for you! I'll be a surrogate for you!

<3 and hugs as well as prayers, coming to you by the 1000s (as indicated here)

Barely Domestic Mama said...

I don't think there are words to say how my heart hurts for you. I am so so so sorry.

lewalk said...

I hate that you are having such a hard time. I can, however, feel your pain. My husband had Hodgkin's disease as a child ans was told he would never have children. I was told when I first started my period and had unbearable pain that I had cysts on my ovaries that I would never have children. How we found each other could only be the work of God. We showed everyone just what we were capable of, totally by accident, when I got pregnant in college and hubby was still in high school. Lol, oops. We fought against everyone who told me I shouldn't have my child. We did and now have a 15 year old daughter. We have learned a lot along the way and made a lot of mistakes. Wee have all grown up together. We cannot have another child though as hard as we try and as many tests we take and doctors we go to. It's hard since all of our friends are just now having children and I am almost done with mine. We haven't even gotten close enough to have a miscarriage so I can't even imagine the heartbreak that entails. I have to remind myself constantly that I am unbelievably blessed to have the child I have and go on with my life. It's not easy and not something you want someone else to tell you to do, I know. Lol. I've had thoughts of punching people in the face when all they are trying to do is make me feel better. Good luck to you and may God bless you with the baby you so want. I will be thinking about you.

Bloggymommy said...

Staci, I have been thinking about you lately and wondered where you were. I hadn't heard of this news yet. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have been there so I know how devistating it is! :(

I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of you! You deserve all the happiness in the world. Let me know if you ever need to talk. (((((HUGS)))))

Vivian said...

Staci,
I found you through your comment on The Children's Book Review site where you posted to win a copy of SHOW ME HOW! BUILD YOUR CHILD'S SELF-ESTEEM THROUGH READING, CRAFTING AND COOKING. I am the author, and, if you don't win a copy, I would be honored to send you one to review (if you would) and keep for your own use.

Your post touched a chord in my heart...although I am now a mom of three and grandmom of three, I lost a baby (6 months pregnant) when our oldest son was a year and a half. And, it seemed to take FOREVER to conceive again. And I felt it was SO important for me to be pregnant as soon as possible. And it doesn't matter if the pregnancy ends after 2 weeks, 2 months or more...it is still a loss to be dealt with, emotionally and physically.

You and your family are in my prayers.